Is it time for some self-love? And WTF does that mean anyway?!

We all know the biggest, longest, ever-lasting relationship we have is with ourselves. Yet many of us neglect this, don’t value it, or simply don’t know how to do it.

‘All you have to do is love yourself babe…’

We have all heard this said right? So if you know me, you will know I am not into toxic positivity throw-aways like that. We have all seen the memes!

In reality most of us are not taught self-love, and we don’t know where to start… it’s so much more than taking a relaxing bath once a week or reading affirmations.

The problem is, very few of us have been modelled it. How many of you grew up watching your mum work really hard, juggling everything?  Whether a single mum, or in a couple, I am pretty sure you would have watched her bring up you and your siblings whilst working, looking after the household, being a partner, and carrying the mental load. Basically running around putting everyone else’s needs first, rarely taking time for herself. And as women, we take on the same behaviors and go on to please our parents, our boyfriends, partners, husbands and then our children.

This can show up in our sex lives as well. We are groomed to please, faking orgasms to protect egos, not being able to ask for what we want… and then wondering why we get bored of sex or feel detached?

Relationships take work –  we know that. Love is a verb. Yet one thing I have learnt on this exploration is finding out what YOU want, shedding shame around sex and having honest and open communications goes a long way to setting a foundation for good relationships – in whatever form, romantic or otherwise.

Growing up I saw marriage as the holy grail. I thought that was the answer to everything. And it worked, for a time. I am grateful for that time we had together and I have nothing but love for my ex and our two children - but I wanted more. I needed more and it was the beginning of an uncomfortable, messy, often brutal discovery. A journey back to ME.

So how do we begin to love ourselves again?

I had forgotten who I was. I was so busy working, being a mother and wife. Doing everything I could to distract myself from truly being with myself. The first step was to take ownership and acknowledge my responsibility in all of it – I allowed eveything to happen. And then to admit that something needed to change.

This took something – to admit to myself I was not happy, when on the surface it looked like I had so much! To then leave my husband – to embark upon the journey of shedding shame and self-discovery was scary as fuck.

There are many practices I have tried over the last few years – some seem rather bonkers but I am curious and am up for an experience. In doing all of this I started to rediscover my inner voice, which I had lost somewhere along the way. I remembered that when I was a teenager I used to ask myself if I was happy? It was a very conscious decision. I would lie on my bed and ask ‘Nat – are you happy? Most of the time the answer was yes, and when it wasn’t I knew I needed to change something.

Somewhere along the way I had stopped asking. I had got so busy with doing life, I had forgotten about me.

I was so happy to welcome her back! The relationship you have with that inner voice is the most important you will have! Trust those instincts – go deep, your unconscious knows what’s going on. I believe there is a very knowing version of you deep inside your soul, an innate wisdom that has all the answers. Listen to that voice – she will guide you.

Today I am in a constant dialogue with myself – I check in and make time for it. I do it consciously.

It’s time to treat yourself like you would treat a new lover or a best friend, to commit that time to YOU.

But the big question is: do you feel worthy of it? That’s the real issue. And if not, why not?

It can be very much tied into how well we look after others. What about when it’s just us?!

Finding peace within ourselves without the roles and identities to hide behind is the real challenge.

And that’s what I experienced after my divorce - who am I without a partner? Where is my self-worth? And how do I get it back?

So, for this month, I’d like you to ask yourself these important questions. Whether you’re single or partnered up - spend time alone and being curious about delving deeper within. What answers will you discover?

And remember – YOU are loved.